Who am I?
10:00 PM
Am I the only one who has these deep moments of self-reflection? And then coming to the conclusion that you have no idea who the fuck you actually are?
Sometimes I hear can hear myself saying things and I just think: When did I become this person? Have I always been this person? Am I truly such a bitch? In those moments I wish I could erase people's impression of me, so I can start fresh. Because man would I love to go back and do things differently.
So when these not so rare moments of self-reflection come along, I have the biggest urge to talk about it. I want to know if other people see me the way I see me. Do they think I've changed? Do they also have moments like this? Do they feel like this about themselves or am I the only one?
Now you think that I would just go up to a friend and ask them about it, casually bring it up in a conversation. But that's not as easy as it sounds. Because what if they blow you off or think you're weird? What if they actually have confidence and like themselves and have no idea what you're even talking about? Even with some of your closest friends it's hard to bring up things that are so confronting. Because what if they say that you have changed? What if they tell you that yeah, sometimes you're kind of a bitch? What if they do actually see you like you see yourself? Maybe that's what we're really afraid of. It's not the act of asking someone if they think about the same things you do that's so terrifying, it's knowing that they might say yes.
My point is, it's hard to ask other people what they really think of you. It's hard for other people to be honest about it and tell you. And it's hard to figure out who you are and who you want to be.
I want to figure out who I am. I want to discover who I want to be.
This will not happen over night but it will happen with baby steps.
So from now on I'm going to try my best to hold my tongue a bit more.
Think carefully about the words I'm putting into the world before I say them.
Hopefully that's a step in the right direction.
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